Blogabetes - Not a Care in the World

Diabetes is more than just managing numbers and lab tests - it's also about managing emotional health. Our Blogabetes writer, Michelle Kowalaski, touches upon some of her thoughts as she does the daily diabetes dance:

Not a Care in the World

I read today about a woman who boluses for every jelly bean, grape and kernel of popcorn she eats. And I can’t help but think “why?”

I mean, I know why, but why don’t I have that mindset? What has happened to me that I eat a handful of mini vanilla wafers without a second thought? Ok, I do give it a second thought, but I don’t use the fast-acting insulin that I have readily available. What exactly is it with me that I can’t always bring myself to use that?

I’m a grazer, and I’ve speculated that perhaps I’m afraid. Afraid that I’ll take too much or too little for my grazing, I guess. I, frankly, don’t really know what it is. It’s not like I’m afraid of needles or anything. I…I just don’t get it. I get so frustrated at myself for seeming not to care.

I posted on my blog not long ago about being high all the time and needing something to help me with the highs that just won’t budge. I emailed and practically begged my endo for a prescription for Novolog. I got it and used it almost daily for quite some time. And now I’ve stopped. And I don’t understand what’s holding me back.

I know the complications, I know about the eye problems and kidney failure and the limb amputations. I want to see my children grow up and attend dances and graduations and marriages. I don’t want to be a burden ever to my children. So, I ask perhaps rhetorically, what exactly is keeping me from doing what I know my body deserves? If I’m not going to eat right, at least I should take medicine readily available to me to counteract the crap I’m eating. Why can’t I get that to sink in?

What do you think? Tell us about it!

Comments

1. At 03:05 PM on Mon, Sep 10, 2007 Kathy wrote:

   I am one of those persons who bolus for every little thing I eat. I didn't always. Since I went on the insulin pump I am much more careful because it is so easy compared to injections. I know how much beter I feel and my blood glucose levels are ALWAYS great. I have had diabetes 50 years. I can remember when I didn't feel this way and I appreciate how much better things are now. If you get in the habit of accounting for what you eat it becomes routine. Good luck! Kathy

2. At 05:02 PM on Sat, Sep 8, 2007 Merchelle wrote:

   I was recently diagnosed at Type 2 in May, 2007. This is a very scary disease. I have lost 53 lbs altogether. from diet and exercise. My problem is I CANNOT count calories. I seem to have a problem with this. My dietician/doctor gave me menues for 4 weeks. I have been eating the same thing since May. I do switch the menu around a little. I am on 1800 calories a day. I can only count carbs with the menues that I am given. Can someone help me. Frustrated.

3. At 08:33 PM on Fri, Sep 7, 2007 Joyce Sinnett wrote:

   Sounds like you are trying to write my autobigraphy! 21 years and I still have bad days when I want (or try) to pretend I'm not diabetic. Of course that's hard to do with testing, carb counting, insulin and record keeping. Let's keep haning in there and supporting each other.

4. At 04:56 PM on Fri, Aug 31, 2007 chris wrote:

   Hi--
   I can definitely relate to what you explained. I am 38, diabetic for 23 years and it is a very frustrating disease/lifestyle--esp with 2 kids (age 10 and 5)etc. Even though society has become more health conscious, other pple have the choice and when you're diabetic you really have limited choices regarding eating, if you want to maintain good numbers. And when I go ahead and eat something I shouldn't,I either go high and am exhausted and good for nothing to my family as an immediate consequence, which i then feel badly about b/c they need me, or i end up often overcompensating with insulin and even go low, and end up on the blood sugar rollercoaster of hell! So why we do what we do is a good ? Is it to make believe we're "normal" for a while, when we know we can really never take a vacation from this crappy disorder? I work with kids with autism and truly know how lucky I am to have two healthy kids (my husband is also Type I), and to have our generally good health, but years of this life can get you down when dealing with everyday stress as well!! Don't know if it helps to know that your feelings are shared...Other outlets are helpful--i go power-walking regularly and turning on the radio and dancing can be helpful....
   Good luck,
   CHris